Holidays: Part 3

Q: We are having a big BBQ for the Fourth of July. Is it ok to indulge?

A: Absolutely! This country is about freedom… and that includes the freedom to eat a layer cake made with three different colors of icing.

Flag Day, Veterans Day, Independence Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day. These holidays were established to pay our respect to the men and women who died to make this nation great. They did not give their lives so that we can eat rice cakes and celery. It would be unpatriotic not to eat, therefore the calories don’t count.

Pros: You can put sparklers on top of the cake to make a grand entrance.

Cons: If you blow your hands off with fireworks you can use Sitatuonal: Part 3 (link) if you prefer. But, you will have no hands.

Can I trust this?

Holidays: Part 2

Q: My child always brings home a nice bag of loot after trick or treating. Is it okay for me to eat some of it? To make sure it’s safe of course.

A: Dive in, Halloween is a special occasion.

Halloween is the night during which the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead is at its thinnest. What does this mean? You are in danger of being attacked by dead people. (Not zombies so much… well it might be zombies) You and your family are in danger, but luckily snack-sized Snickers and Mike and Ike’s are the prophylactics of the spirit world. It’s long been known that candy is used to appease the angry spirits. By eating candy, you not only make them happy but you can repel them. Sort of like vampires and garlic.

Pros: Gobstoppers can be used as weapons if you find yourself under actual zombie attack.

Cons: Those people that hand out raisins or toothbrushes are practically giving ghosts the GPS coordinates of your family.

So it's okay to take candy from a baby?

Situational: Part 5

Q: I’ve heard that you shouldn’t eat right before bed. Is this true?

A: Not at all. Eating in the evenings and on weekends is the best time. Just ask Verizon.

Just ask Verizon? If you are scratching your head right now (more than usual), go grab your cell phone statement. Go ahead, I’ll wait. (Playing Jeopardy music in my head) Welcome back. Do you see any charges for calls made after 7 P.M., on weekends or on holidays? Of course not. The cell phone companies have decided that you will not be charged for minutes during those times. If minutes don’t count, it stands to reason that calories won’t either. I bet this is the first time you’ve been grateful to your cell phone provider.

Pros: If you have an unlimited plan, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. (But I’m pretty sure you still have to pay for 900 numbers)

Cons: Unlimited data plans do not count towards alcohol consumption.

Is there a monthly contract?

Situational: Part 4

Q: My friend asked me to help him move this weekend. I’m afraid he might order pizza to say thank you.

A: Pizza should never be feared. Free pizza should be celebrated. Anything eaten while you help a friend move should be praised.

Your friend is moving…again. Since you couldn’t come up with a good excuse on the fly, you are stuck on a Saturday morning lugging boxes that weigh more than an elephant with a sweet tooth and a glandular issue. The least he or she can do is buy you lunch (or beer). There are two rules that will allow you to eat half the pizza pie with toppings (hey, it’s still cheaper than hiring a mover). First, if you consume the food and calories at the residence they are leaving, the calories will not travel with you. This is because the truck is full of their sh** so there’s no room for the calories. Second, if your friend is smart, he won’t trust you to help him unload if he feeds you first. If this is the case and you are eating at the new house, the calories were just burned off during the physical exertion. Everyone wins.

Pros: Free pizza and a feeling of accomplishment.

Cons: Lifting heavy stuff.

Surely this can't be true....

Religion: Part 2

Q: My religion wasn’t mentioned here, does that mean my food will always be fattening.

A: My apologies if I missed any belief systems. But, I still believe your food is calorie free.

To those Mormons, Buddhists, Pagans, Pastafarians, followers of Joe Pesci, etc. repeat after me: “The Lord (Joseph Smith, Buddha, Goddesses, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Mr. Pesci) Hath Commanded”. You’re welcome.

Pros: Calories don’t discriminate. They are willing to hop on out of the way no matter what you believe in or worship.

Cons: If you’re an Atheist, you may not believe calories exist at all so this won’t help (or hinder) you.

Is this some kind of cult?

Religious: Part 1

Q: I’ve been avoiding church because I’m on a low carb diet and I’m afraid to eat the Eucharist.

A: Put on your Sunday best. Anything eaten (or drunk) as part of a religious ceremony is calorie free.

When food is part of a spiritual awakening, a cleansing of sins, a remembrance of our ancestors who toiled to escape slavery, or an offering to whatever deity we put our faith in, the calories are nonexistent. Load up on wafers, pour another glass of sacramental wine, take a second helping of matzoh balls and thank your hosts for the Brahmya-huta. Don’t worry about it, this is an order from God.

Pros: No need to join a church that serves whole grain wafers.

Cons: If you are Hindu and you don’t offer your food up to God before eating it, all sorts of bad sh** goes down.

She's probably going to hell right?

Traveling: Part 2

Q: My husband and I are going on our annual vacation and I don’t want to worry about my waistline. Do you have any advice?

A: Eat everything in sight! If you are traveling, the calories go on vacation as well.

There are two ways that you can look at this. The more complicated of the two would be using time zones. If you are eating in a time zone other than your home zone, your calories don’t count. This is because that time has already happened (or not happened yet) in your home zone. The easier way to skirt the calories is to assume that if you are out of your zip code, the calories won’t be able to find their way home. They aren’t dogs, after all.

Pros: If you are away from home, you should be able to enjoy yourself without worry about reality.

Cons: If you are using the second method don’t put your address in your GPS as “Home”. Calories are sneaky… and very technically savvy.

It sounds to good to be true.