Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 4

Q: I like to snack while I shop. Should I just nibble on carrots?

A: Heavens no. As long as you don't pay for the unhealthy food, the calories won't "register".

We all know that you shouldn’t shop hungry. When we are hungry, blood sugar drops and our will power is hindered. We end up purchasing things that we wouldn’t if we were only thinking straight. Luckily, it is a proven fact that that box of cookies you are carrying around with you in the store and snacking on has no calories until you get to the register, that's why it's called a "register". The loose candy that you nab from the plastic display has no calories until you put it in a paper bag and weigh it at the register. If you don’t actually ring up the product and remove it from the store, it’s calorie free. Please be careful though. This may be calorie free, but it is illegal.

Pros: If you go to a large enough supermarket, there’s almost nothing you can’t find and consume before reaching the check out.

Cons: Security Cameras. There are all over the place and for whatever reason, management frowns on people eating and not paying for merchandise.

This can't possibly be okay.

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 3

Q: Should I write those free samples from the store in my Food Journal?
A: No need. Free samples are also calorie free.

This is more common in warehouse stores than your run-of-the-mill supermarket, however, on a good day you can make an entire meal out of samples. They should have appetizers available, drinks, entrees and desserts. If you bring a few different hats and coats, you can visit each table numerous times. Best sample day ever: herbal tea, chocolate covered pomegranate, chicken pot stickers and some ice cream for dessert. You can make a date of it (Men: save this for when you’re married or there probably won’t be a second date). Since you aren’t paying for the food, there are no calories to be had.

Pros: If you can pull off different accents, you may be able to avoid the looks of judgment when you return to each table.

Cons: If you buy any of the food that you have sampled, the calories are doubled.

Is this too good to be true?

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 2

Q: I love to clip coupons but I feel guilty for buying packaged, processed foods. How do I get over these feelings?
A: Half off? Fifty cents off? Don’t worry, with the lower price comes a lower calorie count.

Another way to save financially and calorically. Clipping coupons is satisfying. It makes us feel better for spending our hard earned money on snack foods and nutrient-deficient fillers. Coupons make each item feel less like a purchase and more like a conquest. You stand before the cash register, accordion file of glossy money savers in hand, you imagine your ancestors, clutching a spear as they silently hunt big game. You, like them, must overpower your prey… and get it for a discount. The amount of calories saved is directly proportional to the amount of money taken off.

Pros: On double coupon days, your food is practically air.

Cons: This can become an obsession. It can also make the people behind you in line very angry. Watch out for flying frozen veggies. Okra throws a mean punch.

Is this an alternate universe?

Saint Patty's Day or Holidays: Part 1

Q: My Saint Patty's Day pub of choice has excellent appetizers. Should I skip them or just order light beer?
A: Neither! By the end of the evening you will have "lost" any calories you take in.

Let's face it, everyone is Irish on Saint Patty's Day. So rejoice, put on your favorite green shirt (or your only green shirt) and head down to your local Irish pub. Order your first beer, don't panic. It may be green. Order the mozzarella sticks, the onion rings, the chicken wings, the friend zucchini, the potato skins, whatever they've got. Then order the next 20 or so beers. The fact is that after several hours of hard drinking (culturally sanctioned of course) you are going to be huddled over the toilet, returning everything you just ate (and all of the calories). The worst thing you could do is regret not having eaten something delicious. Don't live with regret. Carpe Diem!

Pros: This is all of the perks of bulimia without the nasty stereotype.

Cons: Don't ever return a Guinness to the bar. I saw a man do that once. They made him bleed green.

Really? Can I trust her?

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 1

Q: I like to shop on the “day old” rack at my local grocer. Is that healthy?
A: Absolutely! If you are buying your food at a discounted rate, it has discounted calories. They fell out yesterday.

In our failing economy, people are forced to find cheaper ways to bring their favorite foods into the house. Many stores offer a “day old” rack where food that’s still edible but slowly sliding past its prime goes to die. You can find fruit here (great for banana breads), yeast breads and rolls (excellent for making your own bread crumbs) cakes and donuts (good for bringing into the office) and meat (wonderful for contracting bacterial diseases) on this retirement community of food. All kidding aside, if you can get your “deals” into the freezer quickly, you can minimize the risk. You can also minimize the calories. When food gets old, the calories die. This leaves you with all of the taste, but none of the fat. Brilliant.

Pros: You save money and keep your waist trim.

Cons: Mold is very high in calories, do be careful.

What the? Who the? Where the?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 1

Q: Is celery really a "super food"?
A: Yes! Calories consumed alongside celery don't count.

Celery is a glorious little creature. Useful for imitating a walrus and playing drums at the dinner table, but it really shines during snacking. Cheese wiz, peanut butter, ice cream, jujubes, etc. Pile it on, the celery can handle it. You see, celery takes more energy to burn than you actually consume while eating it. Therefore, anything eaten with it will be automatically digested and the calories burned. You’re practically starving yourself when you eat it.

Pros: Think of all the delicious combinations you can make in order to enjoy your favorite foods calorie free.

Cons: If you don’t like celery, you’re just screwed. Sorry.

This is my first time reading.

Restaurants: Part 4

Q: Should I skip the buffet?
A: No need. Any time that you stand up to get more food, you burn off all the calories that you’re about to consume.

A huge staple in Las Vegas, the buffet should be a calorie disaster. Luckily, constant movement can turn this orgy of foods into a calorie burning experience. Here’s how it works. Start out with a salad. It will get your jaw working and lull your system into a false sense of security. When you finish, take a leisurely stroll back to the parade of yummies. Pump your arms while you walk and hum the song from Rocky on your way. That food is your bitch. Select your next conquest, your body is now at a calorie deficit from all your exercise. Do 10-12 repetitions per meal.

Pros: If you wear comfortable shoes, you can lose weight with buffet visits. Be sure to schedule at least 3 a week for approximately 45 minutes a session. If you carry a heavy purse, bring it with you for some weight training mixed in with your cardio.

Cons: Since the drinks are brought to your table, they don’t fall under this rule. To be safe, go with diet soda.

Ummm, what?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 2

Q: Is Ice Cream still unhealthy in the winter?

A: No. You are doing the ice cream a favor.

It’s 20 below and your car is frozen to the driveway. But you just can’t shake that yearning for double chocolate fudge ice cream with sprinkles. You toss on your snow suit and a pair of boots that may have been made from Sasquatch’s sister and laugh in the face of winter. You have a mission. You my friend are heading out for dessert. You are braving the cold and the snow and the sleet so that the ice cream can realize its full deliciously sweet and creamy potential. The least it can do is be calorie free. Ungrateful ice cream.

Pros: Any sundae toppings are also calorie-free. They would just be sitting around playing poker if it weren’t for you. (Yes, ice cream fixin’s love to gamble when they aren’t being eaten. Many a mini non pareil has been lost during a wager.)

Cons: This doesn’t work if you are pregnant and send your husband out for the ice cream. The calories go away because of effort. Don’t give up your dreams of being a mother just yet. There are plenty of ways to get out of calories if you are carrying a child.

This is totally true right?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 1

Q: If my cookie is broken, will it still have all of it's calories?

A: No! When a cookie or a chip is broken, all of the calories fall out of the item. This is mere gravity. You aren’t going to argue with gravity are you? Don’t make Newton angry…don’t!

We put a man on the moon, we can survive underwater with man-made breathing apparatuses, and there is a computer in almost every pocket. But, despite the amount of packaging used in processed foods, our race still can’t figure out how to protect our snack foods during transport. Companies do their best with their silly little plastic trays and their added air, but the truth is that our cookies are still crumbs and our chips lay like victims of nuclear holocausts at the bottom of the bag. Luckily, due to this relatively new concept called “Gravity” (you may have heard of it), the calories fall right out of your cookie or chip and land at the bottom of the bag.

Pros: As long as it’s not perfectly intact, your after dinner snack is practically health food.

Cons: If you lick the bag, you get all of the calories you would have consumed, plus some extra for being gross.

Is this woman a scientist... or just a genius?

Restaurants: Part 3

Q: The Picture Looks Healthy, Will My Food Be?

A: If the picture looks healthy, anything it represents must be as well.

This rule is most useful in Chinese restaurants that use stock photos for their menus. On the wall, your meal looks like a beautiful pairing of fresh vegetables and lean protein, basking in a light, cancer fighting sauce. If you squint, you can see the carrot smiling and the bok choy doing crunches. When it comes to the table, the carrot is crying and the bok choy is drinking a beer (it’s not even a light beer). The sauce is murkier than Loch Ness and if your lean protein has ever seen an animal, it certainly wasn’t one raised on a farm. Yet, it all looks so delicious. Do you send it back? Of course not. That was false advertising. Calculate the calories in the photo; the rest will be credited to the photographers who lied to you.

Pros: If the picture is cheery, you’re in the clear-y.

Cons: If your vegetables are showing emotion (or signs of alcoholism) you maybe be under too much stress.

What the **** is this person talking about?

Restaurants - Part 2

Q: There is a fly in my food, should I stop eating?

A: Absolutely not! And, don’t worry about the calories, the fly got them all… just don’t eat the fly.

Ahhh, they try their hardest, but even the cleanest and most well maintained of eating establishments is sometimes haunted by a buzzing, disease-carrying nemesis. They swoop in while you are shoveling spoonfuls of lamb stew into your gullet and stare at you with their thousand or so eyes, daring you to take another bite. After all, you know where their feet have been. Is your meal ruined? On the contrary! Your meal has been saved. The fly, in his infinite fly wisdom, has absorbed all of the calories for you.

Pros: If you can get past the fact that a fly is settling down with a good book and a mug of hot cocoa on your comfort food, you can now enjoy the meal with no guilt.

Cons: You cannot eat the fly! Like ancient warriors who would consume the hearts of their enemies, this fly holds all of the calories from your meal and every meal before it, in his tiny body. All bugs work like this (especially the ones that are covered in chocolate or encased in lollipops). Thankfully for those of us who enjoy a spirit now and then, the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle will become calorie free as you vomit.

Don't have the slightest idea what's going on? Click here: http://wishfuldieters.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-you-should-read-this.html

Restaurants- Part 1

Confused? Click here: http://wishfuldieters.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-you-should-read-this.html

The Waiter Gets Your Order Wrong – not what you ordered? Eat it anyway. You didn’t ask for the calories, so they won’t count.

You’ve decided to go out for a delicious dinner. You get dressed up and head out with your friends or family and your “Smart Choices” card in hand. You have the best of intentions. You sit down at the table and open the menu as if it is the gate to your future. You fight the little devil on your left shoulder telling you to order the Veal Parmagiana, and you win! A chicken breast with steamed veggies will be heading your way in 20 minutes or so. You even manage to ignore the fresh foccaccia bread singing a Siren song from the center of the table. You sit there, beaming with pride at your will power while your waiter appears at the table, steaming tray in hand. He smiles as he places a triple portion of gooey lasagna in front of you. Don’t you worry. You meant to eat healthy, and it’s the thought that counts.

Pros: You will only be consuming the calories of what you ordered. This also works for substitutions. Ordered the brown rice but they brought the white? Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Asked for a salad with your burger but got crisp golden French fries instead… pass the ketchup (although the ketchup will still contain calories).

Cons: If you are the waiter, you get stuck with the extra calories (they have to go somewhere). But, if your order pad is correct, they go to the chef.

Why you should read this....

Loopholes! We’ve got loopholes! Are you tired of dieting? Are you disgusted by low carb, high protein, measuring portions, skipping dessert, low fat/low taste, liquid meals, weight loss pills, inordinate amounts of grapefruit, salads galore and let’s not forget all that unpleasant exercising? It’s preposterous. If you’re fed up with not being able to eat, then this is just what you need. This is the Wishful Dieter’s Handbook, a compilation of dietary rules that will allow you to eat whatever you want with minimal to negative calorie intake.
Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a doctor, nor a nutritionist, a dietician or even a scientist. I have absolutely no education or experience in the field of nutrition. In fact, nothing you are about to read is even mildly true, and if you were to follow this plan, you would become extremely obese. So please… read on and learn.