Holidays: Part 3

Q: We are having a big BBQ for the Fourth of July. Is it ok to indulge?

A: Absolutely! This country is about freedom… and that includes the freedom to eat a layer cake made with three different colors of icing.

Flag Day, Veterans Day, Independence Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day. These holidays were established to pay our respect to the men and women who died to make this nation great. They did not give their lives so that we can eat rice cakes and celery. It would be unpatriotic not to eat, therefore the calories don’t count.

Pros: You can put sparklers on top of the cake to make a grand entrance.

Cons: If you blow your hands off with fireworks you can use Sitatuonal: Part 3 (link) if you prefer. But, you will have no hands.

Can I trust this?

Holidays: Part 2

Q: My child always brings home a nice bag of loot after trick or treating. Is it okay for me to eat some of it? To make sure it’s safe of course.

A: Dive in, Halloween is a special occasion.

Halloween is the night during which the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead is at its thinnest. What does this mean? You are in danger of being attacked by dead people. (Not zombies so much… well it might be zombies) You and your family are in danger, but luckily snack-sized Snickers and Mike and Ike’s are the prophylactics of the spirit world. It’s long been known that candy is used to appease the angry spirits. By eating candy, you not only make them happy but you can repel them. Sort of like vampires and garlic.

Pros: Gobstoppers can be used as weapons if you find yourself under actual zombie attack.

Cons: Those people that hand out raisins or toothbrushes are practically giving ghosts the GPS coordinates of your family.

So it's okay to take candy from a baby?

Situational: Part 5

Q: I’ve heard that you shouldn’t eat right before bed. Is this true?

A: Not at all. Eating in the evenings and on weekends is the best time. Just ask Verizon.

Just ask Verizon? If you are scratching your head right now (more than usual), go grab your cell phone statement. Go ahead, I’ll wait. (Playing Jeopardy music in my head) Welcome back. Do you see any charges for calls made after 7 P.M., on weekends or on holidays? Of course not. The cell phone companies have decided that you will not be charged for minutes during those times. If minutes don’t count, it stands to reason that calories won’t either. I bet this is the first time you’ve been grateful to your cell phone provider.

Pros: If you have an unlimited plan, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. (But I’m pretty sure you still have to pay for 900 numbers)

Cons: Unlimited data plans do not count towards alcohol consumption.

Is there a monthly contract?

Situational: Part 4

Q: My friend asked me to help him move this weekend. I’m afraid he might order pizza to say thank you.

A: Pizza should never be feared. Free pizza should be celebrated. Anything eaten while you help a friend move should be praised.

Your friend is moving…again. Since you couldn’t come up with a good excuse on the fly, you are stuck on a Saturday morning lugging boxes that weigh more than an elephant with a sweet tooth and a glandular issue. The least he or she can do is buy you lunch (or beer). There are two rules that will allow you to eat half the pizza pie with toppings (hey, it’s still cheaper than hiring a mover). First, if you consume the food and calories at the residence they are leaving, the calories will not travel with you. This is because the truck is full of their sh** so there’s no room for the calories. Second, if your friend is smart, he won’t trust you to help him unload if he feeds you first. If this is the case and you are eating at the new house, the calories were just burned off during the physical exertion. Everyone wins.

Pros: Free pizza and a feeling of accomplishment.

Cons: Lifting heavy stuff.

Surely this can't be true....

Religion: Part 2

Q: My religion wasn’t mentioned here, does that mean my food will always be fattening.

A: My apologies if I missed any belief systems. But, I still believe your food is calorie free.

To those Mormons, Buddhists, Pagans, Pastafarians, followers of Joe Pesci, etc. repeat after me: “The Lord (Joseph Smith, Buddha, Goddesses, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Mr. Pesci) Hath Commanded”. You’re welcome.

Pros: Calories don’t discriminate. They are willing to hop on out of the way no matter what you believe in or worship.

Cons: If you’re an Atheist, you may not believe calories exist at all so this won’t help (or hinder) you.

Is this some kind of cult?

Religious: Part 1

Q: I’ve been avoiding church because I’m on a low carb diet and I’m afraid to eat the Eucharist.

A: Put on your Sunday best. Anything eaten (or drunk) as part of a religious ceremony is calorie free.

When food is part of a spiritual awakening, a cleansing of sins, a remembrance of our ancestors who toiled to escape slavery, or an offering to whatever deity we put our faith in, the calories are nonexistent. Load up on wafers, pour another glass of sacramental wine, take a second helping of matzoh balls and thank your hosts for the Brahmya-huta. Don’t worry about it, this is an order from God.

Pros: No need to join a church that serves whole grain wafers.

Cons: If you are Hindu and you don’t offer your food up to God before eating it, all sorts of bad sh** goes down.

She's probably going to hell right?

Traveling: Part 2

Q: My husband and I are going on our annual vacation and I don’t want to worry about my waistline. Do you have any advice?

A: Eat everything in sight! If you are traveling, the calories go on vacation as well.

There are two ways that you can look at this. The more complicated of the two would be using time zones. If you are eating in a time zone other than your home zone, your calories don’t count. This is because that time has already happened (or not happened yet) in your home zone. The easier way to skirt the calories is to assume that if you are out of your zip code, the calories won’t be able to find their way home. They aren’t dogs, after all.

Pros: If you are away from home, you should be able to enjoy yourself without worry about reality.

Cons: If you are using the second method don’t put your address in your GPS as “Home”. Calories are sneaky… and very technically savvy.

It sounds to good to be true.

Situational: Part 3

Q: I’ve recently injured myself and need help eating. I’m worried that I will gain too much weight while I recover.

A: Eat whatever you’d like. If someone else feeds you, you are in the clear.

If you happen to break both arms base-jumping off your roof and need someone to help you eat until your casts come off, this rule will really help you stay slim in the interim. If someone else is actually placing the food in your mouth, you shouldn’t be held responsible for any calories you take in. (It’s actually negative calories if they do the “airplane” game.) You are helpless, defenseless against the calorie assault that is plaguing your slim figure. Their “airplane” is more like a stealth bomber. This doesn’t count for children. They actually need their calories to grow.

Pros: Without regular exercise, your waistline would be growing. This rule allows you to feed your emotions without worrying about your figure.

Cons: If you are in this situation. That would suck. Try a higher starting point the next time you decide to jump off of anything.

Seriously?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 4

Q: Should I worry about “portion control” when I’m enjoying desserts?

A: No. You can eat an entire cake in one day using “sitting control”.

The cake must be eaten in different sittings. The term “sitting” however can be loosely defined. For example: you sit down and have a slice of cake. The phone rings so you get up to answer it. You are now back for your second “sitting” and your second slice of cake. You finish that slice and the dog is scratching at the back door to go out. You let the dog out and come back for another piece of cake. You finish that piece and there is a knock at the door. UPS is here and your new purchase made during a moment of weakness while watching the Home Shopping Network has arrived. Say hello to the UPS man and wish him a good day. You have most likely lifted something heavy, or at the very least emotionally taxing, you deserve another piece of cake. Do you get the gist of this? It’s all in how you define “sitting”.

Pros: Isn’t it obvious? CAKE

Cons: Going to the bathroom is just a “break” not a new sitting. Same thing with cutting someone else a piece of cake. Make sure you do something else in between servings or you’re going to get hit with all of the calories.

I don't understand the science...

Holidays: Part 2

Q: My Aunt Sally bakes a fruitcake every Christmas that will make you disown your loved ones and profess your undying love to the dessert. I just lost a ton of weight and I’m afraid to pack it back on.

A: Don’t be afraid. Christmas is a time of gift giving not calorie giving.

Any holiday where gifts are exchanged, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa (do you give gifts during Kwanzaa?) or the Kula ring in Papua New Guinea, gives us the opportunity to enjoy all sorts of delicacies guilt and calorie free. Sometimes we give out of necessity or reciprocity, but sometimes we give out of love. So (eat) your yule log, delight in your jelly donuts, revel in your macaroni and cheese and chase after your ceremonial pig. Happy {insert chosen holiday here}, your gift is a calorie free day. Or eight days, or twelve.

Pros: If you don’t follow any of these religious or cultural traditions but still want to participate in a calorie free day, try singing the “Pass It On” song from Jim Henson’s Fraggle Rock. Give pebbles to your friends and you are in the clear.

Cons: Having one of these delicacies on a random unholy or uncelebrated day will cause the calories… and your ass, to double.

Why is that fruitcake flirting with me?

Situational: Part 2

Q: I get really hungry after I work out, is it okay to eat a little more than normal?

A: Oh heck yeah! Anything eaten while doing a physical activity will be completely calorie free.

When you workout, play a sport or stroll leisurely through the woods, your body is burning calories. Even if you technically only burn a few calories, it’s the effort that counts. Take hiking for example and two of the best words in the English language: Trail Mix! A food was created specifically for this type of exercise, AND IT INCLUDES CHOCOLATE. You are burning the calories as you are moving. It would be unhealthy NOT to eat. You can also sweat out calories if your sport is high impact.

Pros: CHOCOLATE

Cons: If you are hiking, you may have to share your food with an adorable little woodland creature. Okay, this isn’t really a “con” at all.

Chocolate has lied to me in the past.

Traveling: Part 1

Q; I’m lost, my engine overheated and my cell phone’s battery died. A donut would make me feel better (and I happen to have one in the trunk), can I eat it?

A: Go ahead, your day sucks. Eat whatever the hell you want.

Is this true?

Situational: Part 1

Q: It’s hard to find healthy food when I’m doing volunteer work. What should I eat to minimize the damage?

A: Whatever you want, calories don’t count when you are working for free.

Whether you choose to cheer up hospital patients, find families for homeless animals, clean up your local beach or stuff envelopes for a non-profit, you are giving of your time and energy freely. Thus, all food consumed during this time is used up in your generous energy expenditure. Non-profits are tax exempt, working for them makes you calorie exempt.

Pros: It’s very tempting and convenient to grab fast food when you are out. As long as it’s before or after you volunteer, you’re good to go.

Cons: If you eat the food you are supposed to be serving at a homeless kitchen, you are a terrible human being. Don’t even worry about the calories, they don’t count where you are going.

Can I trust that puppy?

Illegal Activity: Part 3

Q: The last felon who prepared our meals tried to poison the entire population so they hired a professional cook. Now should I starve myself?

A: Probably not (but don’t be the first one to chow down), anything you eat in prison is calorie free.

I know I just said that it only counts if a thief cooked your food, but this is a back up rule. Being in prison means that you have disregarded societal rules. You may have hurt someone, decided not to pay your taxes or robbed a convenience store. You spit in the face of the law. Once you ignore those rules, all other rules go out the window. Most notably, the rule that food has calories. Be careful though, other rules that we take for granted no longer apply either. Gravity, time and space, just to name a few.

Pros: Maybe your family will send you a cake (tell them to skip the file baked into the center). You can even eat the whole thing in one sitting!

Cons: If you were falsely imprisoned and did not actually commit a crime, then you must still follow rules including calories. It’s sad really, screwed by the justice system and by my calorie rules.

I don't get it.

Illegal Activity: Part 2

Q: I’m currently serving a prison term and they won’t prepare a special menu for my diet. Should I starve myself?

A: Certainly not! Any food cooked by felons is “diet” food. They stole the calories.

If you do end up in jail, whether it’s due to your bank heist or public nudity at a children’s puppet show, prison food is frequently calorie free. They normally put the non-violent inmates in the kitchen to cook meals. (Something about keeping sadistic killers away from knives). If these inmates were convicted of theft, they probably stole all of the calories from the food. If a murderer does wander into the kitchen to prepare your meatloaf, he (or she) murdered the calories as well so go ahead and indulge.

Pros: Prison food isn’t very good (I assume), so at least it’s not high in calories.

Cons: White collar criminals may have doctored the nutrition panel on the side of the ingredients so it just looks low calorie.

Umm.... what?

Illegal Activity: Part 1

Q: If I eat while I’m breaking the law, will I look chunky in my mug shot?

A: Not at all. During the commission of a crime – it’s not food, it’s an accessory.

If you are driving the getaway car for a friend during a bank heist, you may get bored. It takes awhile to rob a bank and you will just be sitting in the car looking all innocent. What better way to further the illusion of innocence than by eating. “I’m not helping anyone rob a bank, I’m just having a car picnic.” Enjoy some chicken nuggets (this is practically why fast food was created), bring along a batch of brownies, you are going to need your energy. Since the food is acting as a distraction, it’s got no calories. Technically you couldn’t help yourself, the food made you do it.

Pros: If you have very slow friends, you could really have a nice meal in the van, calorie free of course.

Cons: If you get arrested and try a defense such as “The cheeseburger made me do it”, you may end up in a cozy, white jacket. Although, plead the Twinkie Defense , and you just might get off.

I'm new to this insanity.

Restaurants: Part 5

Q: Is it unhealthy to eat off of other people’s plates?

A: Only if you know them.

Ahhh the wonder of being poor. For some it may have been high school, for others, college. But everyone at some point or another (just go with this, ok?) has felt the need to table surf. For those who are denying any knowledge of the term, table surfing does not refer to standing on a 24 hour Diner table at 3 A.M. and singing the Beach Boys while you send hash browns and western omelet sailing across the restaurant with your foot. (I don't know if there is a term for this, but perhaps you should drink less in the future. ) Nor is it a distant relative of crowd surfing. You are not at a concert and if you dive backwards off a table, be prepared to hurt yourself. No, table surfing refers to eating what’s left on other people’s tables as you walk to your seat.

Pros: You did not order this food. Someone else ordered this food, therefore they requested and have already consumed the calories. You come along, "Ahah! Calorie free food just waiting to be eaten!" It's a beautiful thing.

Cons: You may contract a disease from eating stranger’s leftovers, and your friends and family may stop inviting you out in public.

Say it's so!

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 4

Q: I like to snack while I shop. Should I just nibble on carrots?

A: Heavens no. As long as you don't pay for the unhealthy food, the calories won't "register".

We all know that you shouldn’t shop hungry. When we are hungry, blood sugar drops and our will power is hindered. We end up purchasing things that we wouldn’t if we were only thinking straight. Luckily, it is a proven fact that that box of cookies you are carrying around with you in the store and snacking on has no calories until you get to the register, that's why it's called a "register". The loose candy that you nab from the plastic display has no calories until you put it in a paper bag and weigh it at the register. If you don’t actually ring up the product and remove it from the store, it’s calorie free. Please be careful though. This may be calorie free, but it is illegal.

Pros: If you go to a large enough supermarket, there’s almost nothing you can’t find and consume before reaching the check out.

Cons: Security Cameras. There are all over the place and for whatever reason, management frowns on people eating and not paying for merchandise.

This can't possibly be okay.

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 3

Q: Should I write those free samples from the store in my Food Journal?
A: No need. Free samples are also calorie free.

This is more common in warehouse stores than your run-of-the-mill supermarket, however, on a good day you can make an entire meal out of samples. They should have appetizers available, drinks, entrees and desserts. If you bring a few different hats and coats, you can visit each table numerous times. Best sample day ever: herbal tea, chocolate covered pomegranate, chicken pot stickers and some ice cream for dessert. You can make a date of it (Men: save this for when you’re married or there probably won’t be a second date). Since you aren’t paying for the food, there are no calories to be had.

Pros: If you can pull off different accents, you may be able to avoid the looks of judgment when you return to each table.

Cons: If you buy any of the food that you have sampled, the calories are doubled.

Is this too good to be true?

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 2

Q: I love to clip coupons but I feel guilty for buying packaged, processed foods. How do I get over these feelings?
A: Half off? Fifty cents off? Don’t worry, with the lower price comes a lower calorie count.

Another way to save financially and calorically. Clipping coupons is satisfying. It makes us feel better for spending our hard earned money on snack foods and nutrient-deficient fillers. Coupons make each item feel less like a purchase and more like a conquest. You stand before the cash register, accordion file of glossy money savers in hand, you imagine your ancestors, clutching a spear as they silently hunt big game. You, like them, must overpower your prey… and get it for a discount. The amount of calories saved is directly proportional to the amount of money taken off.

Pros: On double coupon days, your food is practically air.

Cons: This can become an obsession. It can also make the people behind you in line very angry. Watch out for flying frozen veggies. Okra throws a mean punch.

Is this an alternate universe?

Saint Patty's Day or Holidays: Part 1

Q: My Saint Patty's Day pub of choice has excellent appetizers. Should I skip them or just order light beer?
A: Neither! By the end of the evening you will have "lost" any calories you take in.

Let's face it, everyone is Irish on Saint Patty's Day. So rejoice, put on your favorite green shirt (or your only green shirt) and head down to your local Irish pub. Order your first beer, don't panic. It may be green. Order the mozzarella sticks, the onion rings, the chicken wings, the friend zucchini, the potato skins, whatever they've got. Then order the next 20 or so beers. The fact is that after several hours of hard drinking (culturally sanctioned of course) you are going to be huddled over the toilet, returning everything you just ate (and all of the calories). The worst thing you could do is regret not having eaten something delicious. Don't live with regret. Carpe Diem!

Pros: This is all of the perks of bulimia without the nasty stereotype.

Cons: Don't ever return a Guinness to the bar. I saw a man do that once. They made him bleed green.

Really? Can I trust her?

Supermarkets, Grocers and Retail Establishments: Part 1

Q: I like to shop on the “day old” rack at my local grocer. Is that healthy?
A: Absolutely! If you are buying your food at a discounted rate, it has discounted calories. They fell out yesterday.

In our failing economy, people are forced to find cheaper ways to bring their favorite foods into the house. Many stores offer a “day old” rack where food that’s still edible but slowly sliding past its prime goes to die. You can find fruit here (great for banana breads), yeast breads and rolls (excellent for making your own bread crumbs) cakes and donuts (good for bringing into the office) and meat (wonderful for contracting bacterial diseases) on this retirement community of food. All kidding aside, if you can get your “deals” into the freezer quickly, you can minimize the risk. You can also minimize the calories. When food gets old, the calories die. This leaves you with all of the taste, but none of the fat. Brilliant.

Pros: You save money and keep your waist trim.

Cons: Mold is very high in calories, do be careful.

What the? Who the? Where the?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 1

Q: Is celery really a "super food"?
A: Yes! Calories consumed alongside celery don't count.

Celery is a glorious little creature. Useful for imitating a walrus and playing drums at the dinner table, but it really shines during snacking. Cheese wiz, peanut butter, ice cream, jujubes, etc. Pile it on, the celery can handle it. You see, celery takes more energy to burn than you actually consume while eating it. Therefore, anything eaten with it will be automatically digested and the calories burned. You’re practically starving yourself when you eat it.

Pros: Think of all the delicious combinations you can make in order to enjoy your favorite foods calorie free.

Cons: If you don’t like celery, you’re just screwed. Sorry.

This is my first time reading.

Restaurants: Part 4

Q: Should I skip the buffet?
A: No need. Any time that you stand up to get more food, you burn off all the calories that you’re about to consume.

A huge staple in Las Vegas, the buffet should be a calorie disaster. Luckily, constant movement can turn this orgy of foods into a calorie burning experience. Here’s how it works. Start out with a salad. It will get your jaw working and lull your system into a false sense of security. When you finish, take a leisurely stroll back to the parade of yummies. Pump your arms while you walk and hum the song from Rocky on your way. That food is your bitch. Select your next conquest, your body is now at a calorie deficit from all your exercise. Do 10-12 repetitions per meal.

Pros: If you wear comfortable shoes, you can lose weight with buffet visits. Be sure to schedule at least 3 a week for approximately 45 minutes a session. If you carry a heavy purse, bring it with you for some weight training mixed in with your cardio.

Cons: Since the drinks are brought to your table, they don’t fall under this rule. To be safe, go with diet soda.

Ummm, what?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 2

Q: Is Ice Cream still unhealthy in the winter?

A: No. You are doing the ice cream a favor.

It’s 20 below and your car is frozen to the driveway. But you just can’t shake that yearning for double chocolate fudge ice cream with sprinkles. You toss on your snow suit and a pair of boots that may have been made from Sasquatch’s sister and laugh in the face of winter. You have a mission. You my friend are heading out for dessert. You are braving the cold and the snow and the sleet so that the ice cream can realize its full deliciously sweet and creamy potential. The least it can do is be calorie free. Ungrateful ice cream.

Pros: Any sundae toppings are also calorie-free. They would just be sitting around playing poker if it weren’t for you. (Yes, ice cream fixin’s love to gamble when they aren’t being eaten. Many a mini non pareil has been lost during a wager.)

Cons: This doesn’t work if you are pregnant and send your husband out for the ice cream. The calories go away because of effort. Don’t give up your dreams of being a mother just yet. There are plenty of ways to get out of calories if you are carrying a child.

This is totally true right?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 1

Q: If my cookie is broken, will it still have all of it's calories?

A: No! When a cookie or a chip is broken, all of the calories fall out of the item. This is mere gravity. You aren’t going to argue with gravity are you? Don’t make Newton angry…don’t!

We put a man on the moon, we can survive underwater with man-made breathing apparatuses, and there is a computer in almost every pocket. But, despite the amount of packaging used in processed foods, our race still can’t figure out how to protect our snack foods during transport. Companies do their best with their silly little plastic trays and their added air, but the truth is that our cookies are still crumbs and our chips lay like victims of nuclear holocausts at the bottom of the bag. Luckily, due to this relatively new concept called “Gravity” (you may have heard of it), the calories fall right out of your cookie or chip and land at the bottom of the bag.

Pros: As long as it’s not perfectly intact, your after dinner snack is practically health food.

Cons: If you lick the bag, you get all of the calories you would have consumed, plus some extra for being gross.

Is this woman a scientist... or just a genius?

Restaurants: Part 3

Q: The Picture Looks Healthy, Will My Food Be?

A: If the picture looks healthy, anything it represents must be as well.

This rule is most useful in Chinese restaurants that use stock photos for their menus. On the wall, your meal looks like a beautiful pairing of fresh vegetables and lean protein, basking in a light, cancer fighting sauce. If you squint, you can see the carrot smiling and the bok choy doing crunches. When it comes to the table, the carrot is crying and the bok choy is drinking a beer (it’s not even a light beer). The sauce is murkier than Loch Ness and if your lean protein has ever seen an animal, it certainly wasn’t one raised on a farm. Yet, it all looks so delicious. Do you send it back? Of course not. That was false advertising. Calculate the calories in the photo; the rest will be credited to the photographers who lied to you.

Pros: If the picture is cheery, you’re in the clear-y.

Cons: If your vegetables are showing emotion (or signs of alcoholism) you maybe be under too much stress.

What the **** is this person talking about?

Restaurants - Part 2

Q: There is a fly in my food, should I stop eating?

A: Absolutely not! And, don’t worry about the calories, the fly got them all… just don’t eat the fly.

Ahhh, they try their hardest, but even the cleanest and most well maintained of eating establishments is sometimes haunted by a buzzing, disease-carrying nemesis. They swoop in while you are shoveling spoonfuls of lamb stew into your gullet and stare at you with their thousand or so eyes, daring you to take another bite. After all, you know where their feet have been. Is your meal ruined? On the contrary! Your meal has been saved. The fly, in his infinite fly wisdom, has absorbed all of the calories for you.

Pros: If you can get past the fact that a fly is settling down with a good book and a mug of hot cocoa on your comfort food, you can now enjoy the meal with no guilt.

Cons: You cannot eat the fly! Like ancient warriors who would consume the hearts of their enemies, this fly holds all of the calories from your meal and every meal before it, in his tiny body. All bugs work like this (especially the ones that are covered in chocolate or encased in lollipops). Thankfully for those of us who enjoy a spirit now and then, the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle will become calorie free as you vomit.

Don't have the slightest idea what's going on? Click here: http://wishfuldieters.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-you-should-read-this.html

Restaurants- Part 1

Confused? Click here: http://wishfuldieters.blogspot.com/2011/03/why-you-should-read-this.html

The Waiter Gets Your Order Wrong – not what you ordered? Eat it anyway. You didn’t ask for the calories, so they won’t count.

You’ve decided to go out for a delicious dinner. You get dressed up and head out with your friends or family and your “Smart Choices” card in hand. You have the best of intentions. You sit down at the table and open the menu as if it is the gate to your future. You fight the little devil on your left shoulder telling you to order the Veal Parmagiana, and you win! A chicken breast with steamed veggies will be heading your way in 20 minutes or so. You even manage to ignore the fresh foccaccia bread singing a Siren song from the center of the table. You sit there, beaming with pride at your will power while your waiter appears at the table, steaming tray in hand. He smiles as he places a triple portion of gooey lasagna in front of you. Don’t you worry. You meant to eat healthy, and it’s the thought that counts.

Pros: You will only be consuming the calories of what you ordered. This also works for substitutions. Ordered the brown rice but they brought the white? Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Asked for a salad with your burger but got crisp golden French fries instead… pass the ketchup (although the ketchup will still contain calories).

Cons: If you are the waiter, you get stuck with the extra calories (they have to go somewhere). But, if your order pad is correct, they go to the chef.

Why you should read this....

Loopholes! We’ve got loopholes! Are you tired of dieting? Are you disgusted by low carb, high protein, measuring portions, skipping dessert, low fat/low taste, liquid meals, weight loss pills, inordinate amounts of grapefruit, salads galore and let’s not forget all that unpleasant exercising? It’s preposterous. If you’re fed up with not being able to eat, then this is just what you need. This is the Wishful Dieter’s Handbook, a compilation of dietary rules that will allow you to eat whatever you want with minimal to negative calorie intake.
Disclaimer: Please be advised that I am not a doctor, nor a nutritionist, a dietician or even a scientist. I have absolutely no education or experience in the field of nutrition. In fact, nothing you are about to read is even mildly true, and if you were to follow this plan, you would become extremely obese. So please… read on and learn.