Illegal Activity: Part 3

Q: The last felon who prepared our meals tried to poison the entire population so they hired a professional cook. Now should I starve myself?

A: Probably not (but don’t be the first one to chow down), anything you eat in prison is calorie free.

I know I just said that it only counts if a thief cooked your food, but this is a back up rule. Being in prison means that you have disregarded societal rules. You may have hurt someone, decided not to pay your taxes or robbed a convenience store. You spit in the face of the law. Once you ignore those rules, all other rules go out the window. Most notably, the rule that food has calories. Be careful though, other rules that we take for granted no longer apply either. Gravity, time and space, just to name a few.

Pros: Maybe your family will send you a cake (tell them to skip the file baked into the center). You can even eat the whole thing in one sitting!

Cons: If you were falsely imprisoned and did not actually commit a crime, then you must still follow rules including calories. It’s sad really, screwed by the justice system and by my calorie rules.

I don't get it.

Illegal Activity: Part 2

Q: I’m currently serving a prison term and they won’t prepare a special menu for my diet. Should I starve myself?

A: Certainly not! Any food cooked by felons is “diet” food. They stole the calories.

If you do end up in jail, whether it’s due to your bank heist or public nudity at a children’s puppet show, prison food is frequently calorie free. They normally put the non-violent inmates in the kitchen to cook meals. (Something about keeping sadistic killers away from knives). If these inmates were convicted of theft, they probably stole all of the calories from the food. If a murderer does wander into the kitchen to prepare your meatloaf, he (or she) murdered the calories as well so go ahead and indulge.

Pros: Prison food isn’t very good (I assume), so at least it’s not high in calories.

Cons: White collar criminals may have doctored the nutrition panel on the side of the ingredients so it just looks low calorie.

Umm.... what?

Illegal Activity: Part 1

Q: If I eat while I’m breaking the law, will I look chunky in my mug shot?

A: Not at all. During the commission of a crime – it’s not food, it’s an accessory.

If you are driving the getaway car for a friend during a bank heist, you may get bored. It takes awhile to rob a bank and you will just be sitting in the car looking all innocent. What better way to further the illusion of innocence than by eating. “I’m not helping anyone rob a bank, I’m just having a car picnic.” Enjoy some chicken nuggets (this is practically why fast food was created), bring along a batch of brownies, you are going to need your energy. Since the food is acting as a distraction, it’s got no calories. Technically you couldn’t help yourself, the food made you do it.

Pros: If you have very slow friends, you could really have a nice meal in the van, calorie free of course.

Cons: If you get arrested and try a defense such as “The cheeseburger made me do it”, you may end up in a cozy, white jacket. Although, plead the Twinkie Defense , and you just might get off.

I'm new to this insanity.

Restaurants: Part 5

Q: Is it unhealthy to eat off of other people’s plates?

A: Only if you know them.

Ahhh the wonder of being poor. For some it may have been high school, for others, college. But everyone at some point or another (just go with this, ok?) has felt the need to table surf. For those who are denying any knowledge of the term, table surfing does not refer to standing on a 24 hour Diner table at 3 A.M. and singing the Beach Boys while you send hash browns and western omelet sailing across the restaurant with your foot. (I don't know if there is a term for this, but perhaps you should drink less in the future. ) Nor is it a distant relative of crowd surfing. You are not at a concert and if you dive backwards off a table, be prepared to hurt yourself. No, table surfing refers to eating what’s left on other people’s tables as you walk to your seat.

Pros: You did not order this food. Someone else ordered this food, therefore they requested and have already consumed the calories. You come along, "Ahah! Calorie free food just waiting to be eaten!" It's a beautiful thing.

Cons: You may contract a disease from eating stranger’s leftovers, and your friends and family may stop inviting you out in public.

Say it's so!