Religion: Part 2

Q: My religion wasn’t mentioned here, does that mean my food will always be fattening.

A: My apologies if I missed any belief systems. But, I still believe your food is calorie free.

To those Mormons, Buddhists, Pagans, Pastafarians, followers of Joe Pesci, etc. repeat after me: “The Lord (Joseph Smith, Buddha, Goddesses, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Mr. Pesci) Hath Commanded”. You’re welcome.

Pros: Calories don’t discriminate. They are willing to hop on out of the way no matter what you believe in or worship.

Cons: If you’re an Atheist, you may not believe calories exist at all so this won’t help (or hinder) you.

Is this some kind of cult?

Religious: Part 1

Q: I’ve been avoiding church because I’m on a low carb diet and I’m afraid to eat the Eucharist.

A: Put on your Sunday best. Anything eaten (or drunk) as part of a religious ceremony is calorie free.

When food is part of a spiritual awakening, a cleansing of sins, a remembrance of our ancestors who toiled to escape slavery, or an offering to whatever deity we put our faith in, the calories are nonexistent. Load up on wafers, pour another glass of sacramental wine, take a second helping of matzoh balls and thank your hosts for the Brahmya-huta. Don’t worry about it, this is an order from God.

Pros: No need to join a church that serves whole grain wafers.

Cons: If you are Hindu and you don’t offer your food up to God before eating it, all sorts of bad sh** goes down.

She's probably going to hell right?

Traveling: Part 2

Q: My husband and I are going on our annual vacation and I don’t want to worry about my waistline. Do you have any advice?

A: Eat everything in sight! If you are traveling, the calories go on vacation as well.

There are two ways that you can look at this. The more complicated of the two would be using time zones. If you are eating in a time zone other than your home zone, your calories don’t count. This is because that time has already happened (or not happened yet) in your home zone. The easier way to skirt the calories is to assume that if you are out of your zip code, the calories won’t be able to find their way home. They aren’t dogs, after all.

Pros: If you are away from home, you should be able to enjoy yourself without worry about reality.

Cons: If you are using the second method don’t put your address in your GPS as “Home”. Calories are sneaky… and very technically savvy.

It sounds to good to be true.

Situational: Part 3

Q: I’ve recently injured myself and need help eating. I’m worried that I will gain too much weight while I recover.

A: Eat whatever you’d like. If someone else feeds you, you are in the clear.

If you happen to break both arms base-jumping off your roof and need someone to help you eat until your casts come off, this rule will really help you stay slim in the interim. If someone else is actually placing the food in your mouth, you shouldn’t be held responsible for any calories you take in. (It’s actually negative calories if they do the “airplane” game.) You are helpless, defenseless against the calorie assault that is plaguing your slim figure. Their “airplane” is more like a stealth bomber. This doesn’t count for children. They actually need their calories to grow.

Pros: Without regular exercise, your waistline would be growing. This rule allows you to feed your emotions without worrying about your figure.

Cons: If you are in this situation. That would suck. Try a higher starting point the next time you decide to jump off of anything.

Seriously?

Snacks and Desserts: Part 4

Q: Should I worry about “portion control” when I’m enjoying desserts?

A: No. You can eat an entire cake in one day using “sitting control”.

The cake must be eaten in different sittings. The term “sitting” however can be loosely defined. For example: you sit down and have a slice of cake. The phone rings so you get up to answer it. You are now back for your second “sitting” and your second slice of cake. You finish that slice and the dog is scratching at the back door to go out. You let the dog out and come back for another piece of cake. You finish that piece and there is a knock at the door. UPS is here and your new purchase made during a moment of weakness while watching the Home Shopping Network has arrived. Say hello to the UPS man and wish him a good day. You have most likely lifted something heavy, or at the very least emotionally taxing, you deserve another piece of cake. Do you get the gist of this? It’s all in how you define “sitting”.

Pros: Isn’t it obvious? CAKE

Cons: Going to the bathroom is just a “break” not a new sitting. Same thing with cutting someone else a piece of cake. Make sure you do something else in between servings or you’re going to get hit with all of the calories.

I don't understand the science...

Holidays: Part 2

Q: My Aunt Sally bakes a fruitcake every Christmas that will make you disown your loved ones and profess your undying love to the dessert. I just lost a ton of weight and I’m afraid to pack it back on.

A: Don’t be afraid. Christmas is a time of gift giving not calorie giving.

Any holiday where gifts are exchanged, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa (do you give gifts during Kwanzaa?) or the Kula ring in Papua New Guinea, gives us the opportunity to enjoy all sorts of delicacies guilt and calorie free. Sometimes we give out of necessity or reciprocity, but sometimes we give out of love. So (eat) your yule log, delight in your jelly donuts, revel in your macaroni and cheese and chase after your ceremonial pig. Happy {insert chosen holiday here}, your gift is a calorie free day. Or eight days, or twelve.

Pros: If you don’t follow any of these religious or cultural traditions but still want to participate in a calorie free day, try singing the “Pass It On” song from Jim Henson’s Fraggle Rock. Give pebbles to your friends and you are in the clear.

Cons: Having one of these delicacies on a random unholy or uncelebrated day will cause the calories… and your ass, to double.

Why is that fruitcake flirting with me?

Situational: Part 2

Q: I get really hungry after I work out, is it okay to eat a little more than normal?

A: Oh heck yeah! Anything eaten while doing a physical activity will be completely calorie free.

When you workout, play a sport or stroll leisurely through the woods, your body is burning calories. Even if you technically only burn a few calories, it’s the effort that counts. Take hiking for example and two of the best words in the English language: Trail Mix! A food was created specifically for this type of exercise, AND IT INCLUDES CHOCOLATE. You are burning the calories as you are moving. It would be unhealthy NOT to eat. You can also sweat out calories if your sport is high impact.

Pros: CHOCOLATE

Cons: If you are hiking, you may have to share your food with an adorable little woodland creature. Okay, this isn’t really a “con” at all.

Chocolate has lied to me in the past.

Traveling: Part 1

Q; I’m lost, my engine overheated and my cell phone’s battery died. A donut would make me feel better (and I happen to have one in the trunk), can I eat it?

A: Go ahead, your day sucks. Eat whatever the hell you want.

Is this true?

Situational: Part 1

Q: It’s hard to find healthy food when I’m doing volunteer work. What should I eat to minimize the damage?

A: Whatever you want, calories don’t count when you are working for free.

Whether you choose to cheer up hospital patients, find families for homeless animals, clean up your local beach or stuff envelopes for a non-profit, you are giving of your time and energy freely. Thus, all food consumed during this time is used up in your generous energy expenditure. Non-profits are tax exempt, working for them makes you calorie exempt.

Pros: It’s very tempting and convenient to grab fast food when you are out. As long as it’s before or after you volunteer, you’re good to go.

Cons: If you eat the food you are supposed to be serving at a homeless kitchen, you are a terrible human being. Don’t even worry about the calories, they don’t count where you are going.

Can I trust that puppy?